15 Mei 2011
Today I realized that although when I came up with the name odd illusions, it really meant odd in the sense of odd (deviating from what is ordinary, usual, or expected; strange or peculiar) another definition is ODD shortcut for Oppositional Defiant Disorder. At first I thought hmmmmm did I choose that name right. We use the name for our company as well. Then I thought hell WFT it is Ok this way.
I have always been deviated from the ordinary, I am peculiar and I never found the ‘standard’ right way of struggling through life. I did not figure that out and I guess since I didn’t by now it will not happen.
Occasionally there were times I envied other people for having their life in seemingly perfect order as in a house, an income no obvious trouble coping with life and everything that comes with it. where I?
I hated kindergarten to the point that my mother took me home and I did not have to go anymore. I was bullied by this asshole kid and locked in the bathroom one day. I think that was the final blow for me. I hated the never quiet the always yelling until today.. The few weekdays I am at the house, I hear kids screaming in the school yard and I cannot concentrate on anything else anymore. I still try to remember how I felt going to school when I was 6. One thing I liked was .. they were not allowed to talk anymore. So the worst times of the day must have been the breaks. I will have to ask my mother sometime soon if she remembers ‘honestly’ what I was like and not all the crap of that I was a sweet girl. I hope she can remember what I was scared off. I know I always had at least one or a few friends. I remember (which might possibly be confirmed by my mother) that most of the time I became friends with the underdogs. The girl with glasses or the girl with a tic in her face which I took over of course and it took a long time before I got rid of that. Then the family moved to South America which placed me in an awkward situation for two years. Since I did not have blond hair I probably suffered less than my younger sisters but I know what it is like to be discriminated as a white person in a dark culture. Of course not by everyone but the two of us my sister and me went to a normal school where we were basically the only white kids. I do not remember much accept things like on one side the classroom had glass shutters and on the other side chicken wire. Do not know this even exists in English but I am willing to explain what that looks like. Every day before school there was a search for snakes in the classroom. I do not remember if we ever found one of even of we really did search for snakes but somehow that got stuck in my memory.
When we returned to the Netherlands I was way behind in school. I do not recall if I was scared going to a new school at that time. I do remember that we were seen as strange at least I guess they might have. The sun in the tropics did not give us a sunny brown color but turned us sort of yellowish and we did walk bear foot in the snow and walk around in the freezing cold the first winter without a winter coat if we felt like it. The school system was totally different and by the time I entered I got in the final year of primary school all kids had done their tests and the teachers had no fucking clue how to judge what qualifications I had. So I remember that they said oh well we just try something since we do not know. In that space time I started noticing more of the odd-ness..
PS: so far there never came a (2). I would write parts of part 1 completely different though
